I have a terrible memory. I couldn’t tell you coherently the paths and events I travelled to become who I was pre-Paradigm shift, but what I could communicate and understood fairly easily from an early age was how my internal landscape created desire and intent. It was due to this gift that I found out what I wanted, and needed, to do was to create live art. Specifically Theatre and it was through art I learnt that Magick is truly the science of art.
If any human stares long, hard and honestly enough inward they will eventually find Magick. It happened to me, because of my work and the self-analytical time spent creating it.
I remember the moment like it was only a few seconds ago. I am still shocked at how instantaneous the shift was, from the mundane world to the higher reality of Magick, a crystalline palace of pure emotion where those rare moments of affirmation and meaning are forever eternal.
It was simply put like waking up into a new existence, where everything made sense. I understood everything in my life that was previously confusing, problematic and complex. Every minor or major stress was put into perspective and dealt with accordingly.
With renewed enthusiasm I turned to creating live art, understanding how I unknowingly, ignorantly and instinctively had been creating Hyper Sigils in my previous body of work.
Now I planned to apply Magick to my practice of art and embrace my next project, Ruined Steel, as Magick. Through being completely candid within rehearsals, I created a strong Magickal group of artists. An order, with their minds embracing endless possibilities, we spent 8 weeks in a Magickally charged small village hall directly opposite George Orwell’s home and the farm said to be Animal Farm’s influence.
I wanted to communicate as loudly and as clearly as I could what I felt was the possible future worse case scenario for the human spirit once the strongest Egregores had finally prostituted us all.
Ruined Steel nearly killed me.
The character I played looses everything that is most important to him due to his duplicitous nature and greed.
If you intend to shine a very bright light on some very powerful demons and gods you had better be prepared for them to stare right back at where the light is coming from.
Through my own duplicitous nature and greed I too suffered like the character I played in Ruined Steel - broken bones, vertigo, relationship Armageddon, redundancy, debt. But through the character I was also able to experience the positive aspects of his strength; A UFO sighting, direct conversations with Gods, visits to secret military bases and the revelation of my base Magickal personality.
Thanks to my HGH and some very powerful and helpful gods I have survived. But I think I just about expelled every bit of my Magickal essence surviving.
Through the creation of this particular Hyper Sigil not only did I Exorcise and slough off the dead parts of my human persona but I also experienced freedom that I had only dreamt about.
To survive came with a price tag. Ruined Steel forced me to experience a reverse paradigm shift. The only way I can describe it is like snow blindness. I stared so hard and deep at all Magick could accomplish that I was almost blinded by it. The signals that came during RS were loud enough to deafen me; I could no longer hear the chatter of the universe.
Loosing Magick was like loosing one of my senses.
In all of this I take hope that I did my job right. That what I was trying to communicate got through to the right person. Maybe only one audience member understood the message. Maybe one is all it takes to make a difference.
In the final act of Ruined Steel the protagonist is redeemed by allowing himself to be devoured by the Egregore, poisoning it with his guilt and weaknesses. Through my own devouring I had also allowed myself to be consumed by what was no longer under my control.
E.T.A Hoffmann tackles and communicates, far better than I ever could, the reality of being divorced from the world of poetry and Magick in the story of The Golden Flower Pot, wherein he discusses the loss of Occult truth and ones struggle to regain it.
I have lost my way in life countless times, but it wasn’t until I lost my way in Magick that I understood what loss truly is and how true is the old cliché of you don’t know what you have until it’s ripped away from you.
I wrote the piece above for Key23. It appeared on Key23 on the 3/4/05.
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